Sangria of opinion

I was reading my friends Audrey’s blog… in which she was talking about early voting… and I realized when reading her post… that I had a little storm a brewing in my soul… and after I finished reading her post… I could not keep my fingers off the keyboard.

I think the storm has brewing for quite some time… and originated with some serious questions. With the upcoming election, here are a few of the questions I have been asking myself for awhile now…

• What is government really supposed to do?
• What do I think government should do?
• In a perfect world, who would be leader? 
• Can government ever be a moral institution?
• What are the most important things that our government should be doing?
• What are three things I think need to change in the world today

I am kind of scared to write this post because I know some of my readers have very strong opinions spanning from extremely liberal to extremely conservative. And I just want to say up front, that no, I have not even answered all of those questions directly. But they have melted into a sort of sangria of opinion. But here is one thing that has emerged from the storm within. (And when I say storm, I mean an upset within, fueled by anger.)

I am angry about a few things. I think the big realization for me is how driven by greed we all are. I don’t like to point fingers, because I am part of this ill-functioning machine… but I want to take a step back and really look long and hard at the greed that drives this country. Don’t freak out now… because I am going to use some words that are very hot topics right now… but first, I want to talk about these claims of Obama wanting to “redistribute wealth.” (First things first, this is not a plug for Obama… so try not to tune me out… it is a question rooted in genuine concern.) Why are people so up in arms about this? I am not a socialist… but I do believe that there can be too much of a good thing. You know what I mean. Very few of my friends are millionaires… and very few of my friends live in poverty (but alot of my students do!) My point is… what is so wrong with this idea of giving back more if you make more? I mean it’s fine if you’re a stingy, heartless asshole to not want to give a portion of your wealth back to your country… but come on now, is that what we are?… stingy heartless assholes? I realized that often that is – who we are. I don’t care if you make $20,000 or $250,000… anyone who is reading this blog is living comfortably, as am I! So what is the big deal? Why are we holding so tight to this money? (I want to share a little special anger for Christians who are against this idea of giving a little more of their comfortable paychecks to the government… how can you be against helping your country and the people in it… shame on you!) I really cannot get over how shortsided people are on this issue. I guess I just feel like they are wrong. I know what Jesus would say (and yes, he is the leader in a perfect world). I know exactly what he would say and then I know exactly what he would do.  I’m sorry to sound so direct and abrasive… but I have asked for clarity on this and I feel like I have it. We are in a sad state in our country when it comes to greed. Please think about this on a personal level as we approach a time in our country when many changes may be made. Even if you are not asked for more of our tax dollars I encourage us all to look at ways we can give more… and do it happily, without being stingy, heartless, assholes… as we can often be. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT PERSON!

Honestly, I am so often not the person I want to be. But I am going to keep thinking about these issues. And I have learned so often this year… NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING ABOUT ANYONE. Please let’s look at the greed that rules our lives, in the process figuring out a way to change the people in this country from the inside out. Real change can only happen that way. And it does begin with each of us.

…. as a dog

We are sick. Well, let me rephrase that, most of us are sick. Summer was sick last week, she’s still a little sick. Ellen was sick all weekend (don’t ask and I won’t tell) and now feels like she is getting what her other munchkin has. Ben, the poor child, is SICK. He had to have breathing treatments today at the doctor, but will hopefully be fine, with some r and r. And Davy, the old man, seems to be just fine. Lucky man. 

I’ll keep you posted from my world of medicine, sheet changes, cool baths, and humidifiers. Hopefully I won’t break down and douse myself with bleach. But the germs are thick, and we are living with them.

Think of us when you cough or sniffle or have any gastrointestinal upset…

lovin it up at the patch

No child’s life would be complete without a visit to the pumpkin patch.

Like I said… Lovin it up at the patch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

             

 

I just want to squeeze those cheeks…

Thoughtful Ben

What’s not to love? I agree.

Sitting and thinking

Ben is apparently hilarious.

 

A glimpse of goodness.

fighting for the unexpected

Last week I had a surprising and unexpected realization. On Friday, I was in my last class of the day, monitoring my students as they worked on a poster for the topics we were covering in science class. I kept noticing this one student either following me, or giggling when I was near her. I know enough about fourteen year olds to know that something was up and it didn’t take me long to figure out what it was. This exasperating child, lets call her Juana, was making fun of me. Not to entertain others like most kids do, but just in a way to get under my skin. If I tied my hair back, she would tie her hair back. If I talked in a high pitched voice, she would follow suit. If I put my hand on my hip, she would do the same. It was so weird, because it would have been one thing if the other students were paying attention, but she was acting like this just to bug me. No one was watching her. So rather than immediately write her up or get angry, I decided to confront her on it. I said, “Stop.” She said, “Stop what?” I said, “You know what I am saying.” She said, “I don’t know what you are saying.” I said, “You know exactly what I am saying and I will wait here until you stop.” By this point, a couple of students heard in my voice that I was serious and that I was not at all pleased with Juana. Juana looked at me, stopped mimicking, and I walked away. As I walked away, I passed Diana and Alessandra, two girls who are so tough and loud and explosive, but at the same time, so precious and vibrant. Diana said, “What did she do?” I said, “Juana was making fun of me.” Diana, at that moment, turned around to face Juana straight on and said, pointedly and with major attitude, “You never disrespect our teacher!” She made a face, turned back to her work, and I stood there, trying not to smile. 

I realized right then and there, that they will fight for me if they trust me.

the week in review

Over the past seven days, there have been several noteworthy events.

I ate a whole jar of jalapenos

There was a squirrel in our bathroom for over 24 hours (unbeknownst to us)

I read my Bible

My couch got peed on

I think I might have had a hangover… or I was really tired… hmmmm…

There you have it, friends, it’s just another week for Ello.

home remedies, tried and true

As those of you who read here know, life has been pushing up against me a little too close for comfort as of recently. I have been struggling, itching to be released from the holds of reality. While I cannot erase any memories, or save myself from certain experiences, I can medicate myself with remedies tested and true. One of my very favorite pain relievers is the album Some Devil, by Dave Matthews. I will say that during the most confusing and souful periods of brooding in my life thus far, this album has brought substantial clarity and hope. It is titled, Some Devil, which to many would deter them from the gifts revealed inside, expecting darkness, not honesty and light. For a dose of really good medicine, listen to:

		1.	Dodo
		2.	So Damn Lucky
		5.	Grey Blue Eyes
		6.	Trouble
		8.	Stay or Leave
		10.	Oh
		11.	Baby
		12.	Up and Away

Honestly, the whole album is fantastic. And yes, it is about death. But, when you hear raw and uncut honesty from someone who has been through some horrible stuff… you listen… and you realize that you should be thankful for each day you are given. Thank you Lord, that you allow others to offer insight into our own souls. You give us such good medicine in such unexpected places.

some recent photos

I have been desperately trying to keep up with capturing the munchkin’s growth through the lens of the camera… it’s tough though… they grow so fast and the days are so busy. Here are some photos from the past few weeks. Enjoy!

For every child’s third birthday you need a giant inflatable thing… right?

Summer loves her Mimi… and cupcakes.

Peek a boo Summi!

My boys.

Summi is in awe of everything.

My cupcake turns 30 for the third time this week! 

coming into focus

Where to begin? I have to write. Taking a break from writing has not been the healthiest choice for me at the time, but it has been necessary. It has been a necessary choice because I simply have not had the energy to process all of my thoughts. Better yet, I might re-phrase that last sentence to state, “I have not had the energy to process my emotions.” There is no easy way to begin writing about a subject with which you are incredibly uncomfortable. How do I say it? I have been feeling like a complete failure recently. On top of that, I have been feeling violated by others, having my ability to live in the present figuratively stolen. I have been an obsessive, unhappy person as of recently. 

I wake up each day thinking about school. I go to sleep each day thinking about school. I think about the students who are sweet and the ones who are a pain in the ass in equal measure, because they come in equal measure. I think about what I can do to make my students succeed. I think about what I can do to make these students care. I think about what I can do to make these students shut up. I think about what I can do to make sure these students go to college and get good jobs. I think about what I can do to make these students go away. 

As you can see, my job is currently stealing from me. It is stealing, like I said, my ability to let go and live in the present. Oh, the beauty of mindlessly reading a book without thoughts of my next days class activities creeping in… I do not know that luxury right now. I am clearly a little bit neurotic about the whole situation.

I ask myself daily, “How did I get to this place?” I have taught before… and I have never been this anxious about what I am doing. I have always been unsure about some elements of teaching, but that I know is completely normal. This, my friends, has been a whole new level of consumption. So, I have been resting on that question, “What has happened?”

Tonight, as I ran through my neighborhood, several thoughts began to focus as my body moved in rhythm, my feet pounding the sidewalk. It was almost as if I was holding a camera lens and slowly bringing it into focus. First off, I saw myself… and I was afraid. Afraid. Fear is clearly what is driving me at the moment. I focused the lens a little more, and I saw that I was afraid of my students. What am I afraid of? They are fourteen. But, for the first time in my teaching experience at my current school, I got a glimpse of the fact that I feel alone. I feel as if I am suddenly the minority in a world where I have always been in the majority. And I am speaking racially, socio-economically, socially… And I realized, slowly, as I heard the pavement thump in my ears, that I am afraid of what I do not know. I have never experienced being out of place, or different than the majority of the people surrounding me. Sure, I don’t always fit in… those who know me well, know that is true… but I have always been surrounded by people of similar ethnicities, socio-economic backgrounds, convictions, and social mannerisms. I have never been the one in the minority. 

As I continued to run, I realized that my fear is legitimate. What I mean is: not that I need to get stuck in my fear, but that I need to admit it, accept it, and then figure out what truth there is in what I am feeling. Being driven by fear is never God’s intention in our lives, of that I am convinced, but in my case, fear is a precipice onto which I have rested all my energy at the current time. I am standing there on a figurative cliff, inching closer and closer towards the edge, ready to commit professional suicide, which for me is not to quit my job, but to quit my life. (I hope you realize I mean here, that to quit my life involves allowing something to consume me that is not pure or good or even based in reality.)

So, here I stand, sensing that my best option is at times to give in… but then my feet move more, and the lens almost seems to tighten the message more… 

You have to bring me through…

All that I was

so afraid of…

though I questioned the sky,

now I see why…

You have to walk the route 

To see the mountain view

Looking back you’ll see a lead of love.

-”Lead of Love”, Caedmon’s Call

The message I needed to hear came in the form of one of the songs on my playlist… but it was the exact thing that I needed to hear. I stand on this cliff, this precipice of fear, and I may have to continue on this journey of which I am so unsure… but I also have a view each day of 125 shining faces just as unsure of life as I am… I just have to look them in the face and believe there is a purpose for which they are in my life. All fear aside, I believe there is a purpose in my struggle, in my placement where I teach, and in each student I know by name.

Apparently, I need to write. Apparently, I need to run. And apparently, I need to teach. At least I do tomorrow.

Pray for me, it’s thick, and the focus is fleeting.

Confessions

I have a confession to make.

I sleep with a teddy bear. 

And I like it.

right now

I think I am very busy. or very tired. or both. Will write more later. Love you all.