a good friend

I have been thinking about my friends alot lately. I have been thinking of them because they think of me. Thank you dear friends! I have been reflecting on why I am so close with certain people and what those friends do that make me feel so well loved. I wanted to write down a few of the things that have really impacted me in my friendships, the things that really speak volumes to my heart and soul. I am curious to hear from some of you what you appreciate… because I always want to learn how to love people better. 

Here’s a bit about my closest friends….

• they listen when I am having a bad day. When a friend listens without trying to fix, that says you are ok with the mess of my life.
• they sit next to me on the couch or we share a chair. Weird, I know, but I love it when you sit right next to me, smashed together. It means you love all of me.
• they ask me what I think. When a friend thinks my opinion is worth hearing, that is a big deal.
• they share things. Money, clothes, books, cds, thoughts. If you can share stuff with me, that means I am worth sharing with.
• they call me. I love it when a friends calls, not texts (sorry) but calls. You taking the time to leave a voice message or a quick hello means you were thinking about me, which means I am a part of your life. I love to hear your voice.
• they are ok wandering around aimlessly with me. This may be on a walk outside, or in a mall, or through a museum, or the city, or even through thoughts… but I love to wander and talk, talk and wander. Some of my best memories with friends have happened over the span of hours or days of wandering.
• they are nice to salespeople/cashiers/waiters/other people. I love being with a friend who engages the people around them. It brings me joy to see how wonderful you are to others, because I know that is a reflection of how you love all people, even your close friends.
• they are okay with our differences. I love having friends who are in all stages of life. I hope and pray that you are ok with where I am…. because I love you just where you are…. seriously.

I want to hear what you value in friendships…. anything similar? Anything different? Just let me know… I think loving others sometimes means finding out how they like to be shown love…. much love from here, friends. You really are the best…

sick

Last week Ben was sick, so guess who is sick now? Yes, you guessed it. It’s me. I’m sick. I’m home for a day just resting and writing and relaxing. My house is a mess. I have discarded tissues littering my floor. And true to my form, I have had about six Dr. Peppers in the last 24 hrs. (I swear by them to ease a sore throat.) So, here I am. Alive and well enough.

Is it possible?

Is it possible… that struggle is necessary? Is it possible… that if things are always easy that something is wrong? Is it possible that I have always believed that things should be breezy and bright, seamless and easy? I think I know the answer to that question. But honestly, should I count my struggle gain? Can I do that? Is it possible? I want to be taught to do that. I am very bad at perspective. Is it possible that my struggle right now has some sort of purpose? Is it possible?

encouragement

For me, it comes from things I love: people, books, observations, and music. Listening to this song brought me a piece of truth today:

“Losing Keys”

The world has its ways
To quiet us down
The world has its ways

To quiet us down comes the rain
Down comes our spirits again
But Down comes the strength
To lift us up and then…

Been going up  now
For too long
Forget how
To let go
Seems to0 hard
Too late now
To turn around
The world has its ways
To quiet us down
The world has its ways
To quiet us down comes the rain
Down comes our spirits again
Down comes the strength
To lift us up and then…

-Jack Johnson

A puzzle without the right pieces

I am sorting and sifting. The pieces are on the table. I keep arranging and rearranging, trying to get the right fit. I need a corner piece, but all I have are interior pieces. I need a piece that’s all blue, but all I can manage to locate are the fiery red pieces. Is there a piece under the table, hidden from view?  Am I sitting on a piece? Did someone cruelly steal the pieces that I need and replace them with all the misfits? Don’t know, don’t know, don’t know. But this is life right now. A puzzle unfinished. A puzzle without pieces. A puzzle without the right pieces. 

A puzzle I can’t solve. There are different voices trying to give me advice on solving the puzzle.

Some say I’ve got the wrong pieces.

Some say that it’s my attitude that’s preventing me from solving the puzzle.

Some say there is no puzzle at all.

Some don’t say anything.

The voices confuse me. If there is no puzzle, then why do I see it and feel it? If I’ve got the wrong pieces, then please, please tell me how to find the right ones… I am searching desperately. If it is my attitude, then I guess it is my attitude, shame on me. And for those who are silent… what do you see?

I am going to try and walk away from the puzzle today. There is a bird singing outside my window. There is a child smiling right next to me. There is a sun rising to greet me. There is a God beckoning to me, not with a puzzle, but with his hands, open, arms, spread wide, ready for me to take a rest.

good things

Summer Emily

Brother loves sister.

January in Houston

Good things, these are

so tired

It is Friday night and I am sapped. Sapped of energy and hope. These are the days when I wonder what I am doing in this world; what is my purpose? I know you have heard this from me before, but it is back, like a recurring nightmare or a bad pimple in that exact same spot. It’s like a nightmare and a pimple at the same time, concurrently disturbing and annoying . Here is the disturbing part: “I am not enjoying my job at all.” And here is the annoying part, “I am not enjoying my job at all.” I hate to harp on the same old theme, which is guess what? but honestly, I am losing hope. I keep coming back to this same spot of, “what’s the point?” What’s the point if they’re not listening?… what is the point if they’re not learning?… and what is the point if they don’t care? I need to pray for these kids more. Can you pray for me sometime? I’m losing my hope and my spirit.

Sweat

Recently, I have been loving sweat. Several nights a week, I go to the gym, work out, and then sit in the sauna for a little while. If I didn’t sweat on the treadmill, then I definitely sweat in the sauna. I took a magazine the first time, but apparently they bind magazines with glue nowadays, and my magazine fell to pieces before my eyes. So, I take a good book with a good binding, and I sit in there for a while and sweat. Seems crazy, but it is so cleansing. Some of the toxins from my tired and abused body drip to the floor, along with the worries that poison the soul. Sweat is good.

one question

Did I tell you that I have been studying? Yes, I have been studying. I have been studying for a test I will have taken three times. It is a little embarrassing to me at this point. And at this point I am still trying to do this simply to say I did it… which is the complete wrong reason to do most things. I am studying for my high school certification test in science. I am not quite sure why, except for the fact that I’m not sure how crazy I am about hormonal fourteen year olds… so here I am studying for a test I have already failed – twice. First, I tried to get certified in math. Missed it by one question. Yes, one. ONE! Then, I decided I would take the science test. Got my results back, and guess what? I failed… by yes, you guessed it… one question. Shit! One question. One question. One question. Isn’t there some sort of “yes, I’m a good person freebie” where they give you they give you the benefit of the doubt and pass you? No. There is not that allowance. So, tonight I am studying. And I am humbled and humiliated by the whole thing… damn that one question.

Good times

I cannot stop listening to this CD. I know it came out two years ago, and at first I dismissed it as cheesy kid music, but I obviously had not listened to the soundtrack before I made that judgement. It is so great. It is sharp, pure, and lyrically intelligent. This is one of my favorite Jack Johnson albums, and honestly, I love every single song on it. It lightens my soul and warms my heart. Plus, Ben adores it. Good times, good times.