the other night

The other night, Christmas night to be exact, we had some of our dearest friends over for dinner. We laughed, and ate, and talked. These are the things we do best. The conversation turned to things of importance, as it always does with these particular friends, and I think there were several things that fell out of my mouth that I want to take back. I’m not sure if I desire the takeback because I really didn’t mean the things that I said, or simply because I was embarrassed that I said them. I think a couple of my thoughtless statements went like this…

I hate the Bible.


My life is inconsequential.

At least these were the two things marked and highlighted in my head that night as it laid on the pillow. I chastised myself over and over for having the naivete to say whatever was running across my mind at that particular moment, and for my inability to filter my thoughts before blurting them out to be looked upon. I prayed a little about the things I said. I told God that I hoped he would understand why I said them even if I have no clue why I say half the things I do. But I also wondered to myself…

Do I really hate the Bible?

And is my life really inconsequential?

Truth be told, I think there is the possibility that I feel this way in tight moments. In the moments when push comes to shove I lose some of my faith and I forget what is really true. Probably normal. Maybe not. Whatever. And do I immediately regain my footing? Not really. It’s hard to continue sometimes when you have so many questions and when you are just not the type of girl who likes to do what they are told.

Where does that leave me? Any wiser? Definitely not. I am only more convinced of my foolishness in moments like these. I’m okay with that however, because if my friends can look me dead in the eye, listen, and love me all the same, then I have no doubt that Jesus can too.

Now I can breathe. I think I held my breath through that whole post. Thank you for listening to this fool.


3 Responses to “the other night”

  1. December 29, 2008 at 2:42 pm

    you can say whatever you want, whenever you want, and however you want to me.

  2. 2 Erica
    December 30, 2008 at 12:45 am

    Oh ellen – i miss you!

  3. January 3, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    i feel like a fool often… but i am learning that i am loved foolish or not. love you.

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