back to my own mess

I have spent the last few days, almost a week now, getting ready for the school year. What that means is that I have spent about an hour in my actual classroom and about 40 hours in meetings. Typical. The good news is that while I have sat through each arduous meeting, I have had time to come to terms with something about myself. I am terrified that I am not a great teacher. I am completely insecure in my ability to mold and shape the students while at the same time holding them accountable for their actions. I am afraid of the students not liking me and I am also scared of being a pushover and too soft. The list could go on and on, but the more I realized these fears, the more I realized the reason I keep coming back to teach. Teaching is not easy for me. It is extremely challenging. I am not sure if there are teachers it does come easy for. Probably. But that is beside the point. The point is, I am starting to see that these fears and insecurities will continually be tested. I can not handle teaching on my own. I will continually need to reach outside myself for hope, strength, clarity, confidence, and the ability to sit in a mess. Teaching is a mess. And sitting in someone else’s mess on a daily basis only brings me back to my own mess.

I realized I just need to face it… my insecurities. Admit them to myself. I mean, the joke would only remain on me. So what do I have to lose? I guess I just get out there every day and do something that is hard and humbling and great and rewarding. I think I’ll go with that.

2 Responses to “back to my own mess”

  1. 1 Kristyn
    August 19, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    What a great perspective Ellen…aren’t we all a mess, really? Some just cover it better than others! 😉 Hope this is a great year for you…whatever it may hold!

  2. 2 Erica
    August 19, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    Oh Ellen…I love your thoughts and your blog and every time I read it am reminded why I have always admired you so much. So refreshing to hear your honesty…I think that’s why I’ve always been drawn to your friendship. 🙂 You are going to do a great job this year, I know it!

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