Archive for August, 2010

31
Aug
10

in case I forget

Today I felt like I made a difference in the lives of a couple of students. It is nice to know that they will come to me when they need help. Already. All they need is a little support, a smile, and a question that lets them know that you think they are important. The more I teach, the more simple this process becomes.

I am still learning so much about being a teacher. I think in my mind I often see my profession as static. You are a teacher and you are the teacher that you are. But nothing is farther from the truth. Every year, every month, every day, every class period, I feel like I learn something new about how to be better.

I am a better teacher today than I was a year ago.

And that is so encouraging.

I am making a small difference in the lives of my students.

I am writing these things for a couple of reasons, but namely, because after a rough day in the classroom,

I will forget that I once thought the way I do right now.

Like it is all worth it.

Being humbled by fourteen year olds.

Being ignored at times.

Sitting in a hot classroom with thirty teenagers.

Not having an adult conversation for four hours straight.

It is worth it.

Advertisements
30
Aug
10

missing them tomorrow

I was a little sad today. I’m not sure why… but it was one of those mellow, treat me gently, and also slightly detached days. Is it the fact that I go back to school tomorrow? Maybe. I think it is finally dawning on me that the summer is really over. The family is now separated and we all live our own separate little lives. It is tough, because honestly, throughout the summer months, we stick together. It is a major luxury to be doing the same thing in the same place and at the same time for such an extended amount of time. And I think I am a little sad over the change. It is like being homesick. (I know that feeling way too well.)

But it is on days like this, I am scared of feeling so much. I am scared of the fact that I love these three people I share my life with so much that being away from them actually hurts. And it makes me sad. The separation makes me sad.

I know that I probably sound crazy, like some co-dependent needy person, but you know, when you love someone, you just want to share life with them. And we have shared so much over the past three months.

And now I hug my little blond haired angel girl each morning and she looks at me with tears, and you know, it pretty much breaks my heart at that moment.

And my little blue eyed boy puts his backpack on the shelf of his classroom, runs back for a quick hug, and then disappears into the levels of four year old play with a smile.

And my best friend leaves the house each morning to change the lives of young people I don’t know, and you know, I am just so proud of him. And thankful for him.

So, I am sort of sad because I am already missing them tomorrow.

23
Aug
10

first day down

177 more to go.

Actually, it was a great day. I’ll tell you more about my year later – for sure.

18
Aug
10

miracles

Have you ever known someone in need of a miracle? I’m not sure I ever have. Until now.

My sister in law’s best friend, who I also know, is in need of a miracle.

You can read her story here.

It a sudden story, one that I have followed since the spring. It is a testament of struggle and faith, of sadness and hope, and of the trust of a young woman that is facing an obstacle.

Sarah is amazing. You will need to read through the blog for her to tell her story. It is not mine to tell in detail. (You will have to backtrack on the blog to March 6, 2010 to read her story.)

I can’t imagine not sharing this with as many people as will extend a prayer. So this is my attempt to help.

16
Aug
10

behaving badly

Tonight one of my children behaved very badly. I was pretty embarrassed by the behavior, unsure of how to handle the situation. We had friends over as the bad behavior reared its ugly head. And let me repeat again, I was very embarrassed and very angry. Who was I angry at? My child, of course. They should have known better and we definitely do not teach that behavior in our house. All I could think was, “what do my friends think?” I was so angry that my child would take my time from me and demand that I parent in a rather uncomfortable way. Ugh.

Davy and I said goodbye to our friends and their children and placed our full attention on our children. We talked to them, settled them, and tucked them into their beds, exhausted from emotion. It was one of those nights.

We came downstairs and Davy looked at me and said, “I felt like we could have been better parents tonight.”

I fought him. Absolutely not, I said. Our child is our child and we cannot control how he acts. Now I was getting more angry. Not only was I embarrassed by my child, but now my partner is asking me to admit our fault. He talked some, and I continued to defend us (me) by contesting what he was saying. End of conversation. Ugh.

But something was not sitting well with me. I turned his thoughts over in my mind some, entertaining the notion that maybe I (we) were also at fault. Could I have prevented my child from behaving badly? I am not sure. But parenting, it is turning out to be a crazy selfless venture. It demands you at times when you don’t want to be demanded (as in having a great conversation with your friends). It asks you to forget about your beer when all you want to do is relax. It means you can’t always be available to entertain and ensure everyone is ok. It demands you to be with “them.” My children are demanding. Not because they are difficult, but because they require leadership, love, and grace. They demand selflessness not because they are high maintenance, but because they are children.

I get mad about this sometimes. Being in demand means that there are many times when my desires are set aside. Tonight was tricky, because sometimes I forget that “they” need me more than I need to finish my beer (or my sentence for that matter.) At times, I tried to deny that this is the way it it. Its like I want the best of both, to be an adult free of this demand and on the same note a parent who cares for their child. Sometimes the balance is possible. Other times it’s not.

Tonight, it dawned on me that possibly I also behaved badly. Not in an overt, temper tantrum way, but rather in a way that denied the necessity of selflessness in that particular moment.

Of course, my children may have behaved badly despite my circumstance…

but the most important thing, in any venture, parenting or whatever your situation may be, is to know that you did the right thing.

I’m still figuring stuff out… growing up is tricky.

14
Aug
10

There are a couple people

I wait for everyday. I wait for their hearts, their thoughts, their concerns to appear before me on this blank screen. I hate the computer in many ways. It is a time suck that often dumbs down media to be processed through methods of immediate gratification. But there are a couple of people who I wait for.

My relationships with these people have been changed profoundly through the computer. We have been woven together in a way that I value beyond phone calls, text messages, and even time spent together. I think it is because I always feel connected to them in some fashion. They are my support in a place where at times I am scared of what others think. A place that I venture into alone. And no longer I am alone. They are behind all my thoughts and dreams in an inexplicable way. They are just there because they have been there all along. And I also am there for them.

I wait for these people every day. They come to me and share themselves as friends, as they are, imperfectly, like me. They are some of the most valued friendships I have ever encountered. We are woven together in this tapestry of life. They are brilliant colors in my tapestry, threading through many sections and making mine more beautiful then ever.

You know who you are, my beautiful, vibrant friends that I wait for everyday.

We have become something beautiful.

Thank you.

14
Aug
10

I am almost never more inspired…

than when I watch channel 6030 on television.

Any guesses what it is?

Sirius coffeehouse.

I love it and all the totally amazing acoustic music they play.

Tracy Chapman’s “Change” is the one that just did it for me.

Music moves me outside of myself.