Posts Tagged ‘running

24
Nov
08

jesus loves rihanna

Yesterday, I must admit, I woke up in a black mood. I was the literal thunderstorm, except for the fact that the clouds kept gathering, and there was no release from the density of the storm. Days like this allude me… sometimes I just wake up in a certain frame of mind. Yesterday was one of those days. 

Those that I love so dearly do not have the luxury of taking a vacation from me, so unfortunately, I seemed to threaten everyone within a reasonable distance with an impending downpour. By this time, my husband had not only run for cover, but also taken me aside and in not so many words said… “You need to take some time…”

Which is exactly what I did. I took some time for me. My life, as many of yours are as well, is filled with people constantly sucking my personal reserves away. That sounds so negative. Aside from the occasional negativity, my satisfaction in life comes from allowing others to have access to me: the real, honest, me. This means I try to allow people in: physically, emotionally spiritually. I don’t always succeed in this, but the times that I feel known well are the times that I feel most fulfilled. But there comes time, when either some self-absorbed teenager, or a child in need of some tender care, or an adult asking me to make the decision… just piles up. And, in that moment of gathering clouds, I  begin to deflate. While the storm builds, my energy is sapped, and I am now angry and tired. I am angry because I feel I can give no more and I am tired because I have given what feels to be the last of myself. 

So, I needed refuge. I needed to figure out a way to either live in the black mood without it rubbing off on others (this seemed an impossible option) or to replace my mood with one that was brighter and lighter. I could sit at home and pray, read, write, or generally commit myself to more rumination over the topic which was biting me in the butt in the first place. Or I could put myself in a place where I was no longer thinking of myself, but something else.

The second option is often the better option for me. I tend to be the type to sit and obsess over my thoughts, attitudes, and all that is not right in my soul. Obsession is never a good thing, so I am learning, with each year, that I personally need to, at times, transport my mind to a different place, other than my own simple self. 

So, I decided to put on my running shoes, grab my ipod, and see what happened. I ventured out into the cool fall air with a weight on my shoulders and a load on my mind. However, in leaving the house, I had to make myself promise that I would not continually fixate on why I was feeling the way that I was. And I tried to make good on the promise. I tuned in to some music ambivalently… allowing it to be the background on the canvas that I was observing. I walked, briskly, across the ball field that borders our neighborhood, noticing the emptiness of the dugouts, the carefree blowing of the grasses, and the joy in the family that was playing in the field. I began to move more quickly, and found myself running, with fervor, believing that I was doing what was best to alleviate the stormclouds that had so quickly gathered. I ran. And I ran. And though it wasn’t for a long spell of time, I began to see and hear with more clarity. I was so thankful to be out of my box of self-absorption, taking some time to do what was important to me. Ever since I was a young girl, physical motion, the action of pushing my body to some sort of limit, has been cathartic. And it was also on this breezy November day. I listened to a little of this and a little of that, but most of all I enjoyed the freedom of the moment. I was young again, running through fields, listening to music I love, and choosing to do something I love. I was gaining more clarity as I ran. As I turned the corner into the neighborhood that is adjacent to ours, and passed under the oak trees, crushing the acorns with my strides, Rihanna’s song, “Pon de Replay” from several years back came on. This is quite possibly one of the most ridiculous songs I know, but it is nearly intoxicating in its rhythm and its decisiveness in lyrics. It is a simple song but with a killer beat. I shamelessly love this song. I don’t know what switch flipped within me, but in that moment I was not alone. I was not alone in my struggles nor was I alone an I ran.  And in that moment, I became aware of the fact that I had shared my whole thirty minute journey with a friend. He was running right with me, and he loved this song! We were laughing about how silly the lyrics were, but we were also appreciating the fact that music is a buffer between the things we don’t understand about ourselves and our lives. He was pretty fast, my friend, but what I loved most about my friend is that he didn’t need for me to dissect my day for him. He ran right beside me, smiling, laughing, and loving Rihanna. 

Eventually, I returned home. The storm had passed. My mood and spirit were renewed.

And I am now convinced that Jesus loves Rihanna.

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26
Jun
08

along water’s edge

I move in rhythm

to the waves made each night,

approaching so gently and lovingly.

You are subtly different each and every moment,

creating at times, a veil through which you are elusive,

and in other moments a crystalline lens through which to see your splendor. 

You meet me there.

Moving near, then disappearing. 

I have never known you like this.

You have become a companion in my moments of solitude.

Along water’s edge I love to be.